tangled angles

I wanted to start blogging about my thoughts and feelings; my perspective on the world. It occurred to me that we all see the world from different angles. They are shaped by our lives, our circumstances, and our personalities. I feel like my life has been all tangled up for the last year in dealing with my physical condition.

I have seen 3 doctors (my PCP and 2 neuros) in the past year trying to figure out what is going on in my body. I have endured blood tests, EMG's, 2-MRI's, a lumbar puncture, Evoked Potentials Testing, more blood tests, and various prescription meds. With all this, there are few answers.

I have an official diagnosis in my file as "Possible M.S." but my current neurologist thinks this is a mistake. Both neuros are sure that I have migraine, and that somehow it is linked to my other symptoms. My new neuro thinks maybe I have some symptoms of fibromyalgia, but not enough to make a positive diagnosis. I don't know what to think.

I live everyday with a headache, sometimes mild, sometimes severe. I am tired, and I don't sleep well. I have tingling/burning/crawling sensations in my hands; sometimes my arms; sometimes my legs and feet. I have intermittent super-sensitivity to touch and vibration: sleeves brushing my arms are painful, pushing a shopping cart across the parking lot can be overwhelming. Sometimes I think my fine motor skills are affected, as I have to concentrate hard to braid my daughter's hair or get my fingers in rhythm to knit or crochet.

All of my symptoms are livable--on their own. Together they can present an impenetrable force that keeps me from my family, my work, my ministry and the world. Light touches from my husband and sudden snuggles from my girls should be enjoyable, but bring pain instead. When they all work together I have difficulty coping with my responsibilities as a mother, a wife, and my everyday tasks are too much. I struggle on those days to keep an even keel emotionally as I fight back anger and annoyance at my body--trying to keep it from spilling over onto my family.

All this chaos has stolen a year of my life, tying up all my perspectives until I feel I am left with nothing but tangled angles.