Fears

In this process of pursuing a diagnosis, both for myself and now for my dear husband, I have come to realize just how many fears I indulge. I was trying to nap today and thought, "Oh, no, what if he goes in for his nuclear scan and there are complications, and I loose him." I almost cried. It is silly, really, because any moment any one of us could experience complications brought on by life and pass from this world into the next...But it doesn't stop the fears.

I have feared: losing the ability to care for my family and myself; losing my life; losing my husband; losing my children; losing my mind. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around any of those losses. I minister full-time. If I lost the ability to care for myself, I could not work. If I did not work, my husband would have to find full-time employment. We would lose the house in which we live (a parsonage); we would lose our church home. We would have to come up with child care and care for me. It is terrifying to think of all that change coming at once. And there is the key.

My biggest, over-arching fear is that of the unknown. I fear new places, new people, new formats for life. When I go to a meeting in an unfamiliar place, I find out where my meeting will be held, what the expected etiquette is, who will be there (so I know I am not alone). I fear the unknown--and that is precisely what I am facing: a whole lot of unknown...

I don't know what is going on with my body, I don't know what the long-term ramifications will be of the neuropathies I experience. Will they get worse, will I lose normal feeling in my hands and feet? Will I continue to live everyday with a headache? These are questions that have no answer. I cannot prepare for what is to come, and my only recourse is to trust in the One who knows my every tomorrow--that He will provide strength for my journey.

I won't say that this is an easy thing to do. It is hard for me, and I am a full-time (paid) minister of the Gospel. Some days I don't want to trust. Some days I give in to the temptation to paint the "worst case scenario" on the canvas of my mind. But on those days I find myself being drawn out of my self-seclusion as the wisest part of me--my spirit--cries out to God without my conscious thought.

Odds

I wonder today what the odds are of having a family of four with so many health issues. My dear one may have to have his gall bladder out this week or next, my little love has a chronic fever disorder, and here I am with my befuddled doctors and legion of symptoms.

A friend commented today that for a young family, we have a lot of health problems...I know it was simply an observation, but sometimes stating the obvious to people who are struggling is not helpful.

All things being random (or not as one sees the universe) it would make sense for pockets of health problems to pop up here and there, while other sections of the population would have none. Or one could see it as an issue of the spiritual breaking into the physical...Either unrepented sin coming back to haunt us, or the other side spiritual warfare erupting as a result of being one of God's warriors on earth. Or I suppose there would be the third option of circumstances divinely sent to try the servant and make him or her stronger...

I don't know what the answer is. I don't believe we are unrepentant sinners. I don't know that we are necessarily so great of warriors as to merit special attack by the forces of evil. I don't know that God sends us trials and temptations--although he certainly uses them to make us stronger, of that I have personal testimony.

So, I don't know what the odds are; if we are a statistical aberration, or if we fit the pattern. But if what I believe is true, odds are that from these trials will come growth if we choose to face them with grace and long-suffering (patience).

contradictions

I have been doing all kinds of things lately that make me wonder if something isn't better with my body, (although I don't feel any better...) like canning apple butter and applesauce, baking banana bread, etc.

I don't know if this is because I actually have more energy, or if I am just excited about Fall.

I still wake up every morning and pray for the strength and desire to get out of bed. And so far, with every prayer for God to get me out of bed, my feet have hit the floor. My body still hurts, recently adding new and different ways of hurting. My brain is still fuzzy, sometimes to the point that I can't concentrate enough to work or study. Sometimes I worry that I won't get my sermon written, or material read and prepared for Sunday School or my Tuesday night Bible study. I worry about not visiting people who need it, or forgetting to do something important--even if I've written it down.

So, I don't feel like I am getting better, but I have done all kinds of things requiring all kinds of energy! I don't know how to unravel these contradictions. Perhaps it is simply the change of seasons, or maybe something bigger like God's grace giving me strength to do things that bring me joy and give me opportunity to work and play with my husband as we store up something yummy to feed our family.

tangled angles

I wanted to start blogging about my thoughts and feelings; my perspective on the world. It occurred to me that we all see the world from different angles. They are shaped by our lives, our circumstances, and our personalities. I feel like my life has been all tangled up for the last year in dealing with my physical condition.

I have seen 3 doctors (my PCP and 2 neuros) in the past year trying to figure out what is going on in my body. I have endured blood tests, EMG's, 2-MRI's, a lumbar puncture, Evoked Potentials Testing, more blood tests, and various prescription meds. With all this, there are few answers.

I have an official diagnosis in my file as "Possible M.S." but my current neurologist thinks this is a mistake. Both neuros are sure that I have migraine, and that somehow it is linked to my other symptoms. My new neuro thinks maybe I have some symptoms of fibromyalgia, but not enough to make a positive diagnosis. I don't know what to think.

I live everyday with a headache, sometimes mild, sometimes severe. I am tired, and I don't sleep well. I have tingling/burning/crawling sensations in my hands; sometimes my arms; sometimes my legs and feet. I have intermittent super-sensitivity to touch and vibration: sleeves brushing my arms are painful, pushing a shopping cart across the parking lot can be overwhelming. Sometimes I think my fine motor skills are affected, as I have to concentrate hard to braid my daughter's hair or get my fingers in rhythm to knit or crochet.

All of my symptoms are livable--on their own. Together they can present an impenetrable force that keeps me from my family, my work, my ministry and the world. Light touches from my husband and sudden snuggles from my girls should be enjoyable, but bring pain instead. When they all work together I have difficulty coping with my responsibilities as a mother, a wife, and my everyday tasks are too much. I struggle on those days to keep an even keel emotionally as I fight back anger and annoyance at my body--trying to keep it from spilling over onto my family.

All this chaos has stolen a year of my life, tying up all my perspectives until I feel I am left with nothing but tangled angles.