"Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink..."
I feel that way this afternoon, only my chant is "symptoms, symptoms everywhere, but not a diagnosis in sight!"
Rich had a CT of his abdomen today to try again to figure out why his BP is still too high (this week ranging from 120's over 94 to 130's over 100). And drum roll please.....NOTHING!
It came back "normal" whatever that means. So, we are back to square one as far as diagnosis is concerned. I don't know. It is just too frustrating for words.
I don't think I could describe exactly how it feels to know that something is wrong and have no name to give it. Even the doctor knows there is something wrong, but simply has no answer as to what "it" is. People just don't go in for surgery with normal blood pressure, come out with outrageously high blood pressure and not have something other than essential high blood pressure! And if that were the only mystery diagnosis we had, it would be one thing, but we still don't have a definitive diagnosis for my health issues either...It is maddening! Grrr, that is all I can articulate regarding my innermost feelings on the matter.
Diagnoses (plural)? Anyone?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Trudging victoriously?
This morning I am pondering the possibility of trudging victoriously. It seems that the two words are complete opposites. Trudging implies a head-down, tired, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other movement just to make it through. Victorious gives a picture of a head-held-high, sword in the air, hoot-and-hollar stance at the top of the highest mountain. Do you see them? The one trudging, slogging through the muck and the mud, carrying a heavy load, just barely making progress. The one victorious standing tall and strong. The question in my mind this morning is, "Is it possible to be victorious even when trudging through the day?"
I don't know the answer to that question. I think of my life right now, tired, not sleeping well, hands shaking as I type--is it possible for me to be victorious while trudging along through my physical difficulties? Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I am trudging in my heart, just my body. In my heart I feel victorious just making it through another day, sometimes just accomplishing one task raises the victory flag in my heart. So my question is more than philosophic. I am asking the question, "Is my life a paradox or a lie?"
It would seem from the definitions, that it is impossible to be a trudging victor, that would make my life a lie. From the picture of the trudging one, it seems that they do not feel victorious, but who really knows? It would seem from the picture of the victorious one that they are strong and have never faced defeat, but who can see all that is contained within them?
Perhaps the trudger is merely one on his path to victory. Can a person be victorious not having faced a furious foe? To me, my body's rebellion against what I want it to be is my foe. I fight it every day and so far I count myself a victor. But my foe is there all the time. The battle never seems to fade, and so many times I appear to myself as one who is trudging. But as the trudger, each step brings victory, moving me closer to my goal.
I am trudging victoriously through my circumstances, I invite you to do the same.
I don't know the answer to that question. I think of my life right now, tired, not sleeping well, hands shaking as I type--is it possible for me to be victorious while trudging along through my physical difficulties? Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I am trudging in my heart, just my body. In my heart I feel victorious just making it through another day, sometimes just accomplishing one task raises the victory flag in my heart. So my question is more than philosophic. I am asking the question, "Is my life a paradox or a lie?"
It would seem from the definitions, that it is impossible to be a trudging victor, that would make my life a lie. From the picture of the trudging one, it seems that they do not feel victorious, but who really knows? It would seem from the picture of the victorious one that they are strong and have never faced defeat, but who can see all that is contained within them?
Perhaps the trudger is merely one on his path to victory. Can a person be victorious not having faced a furious foe? To me, my body's rebellion against what I want it to be is my foe. I fight it every day and so far I count myself a victor. But my foe is there all the time. The battle never seems to fade, and so many times I appear to myself as one who is trudging. But as the trudger, each step brings victory, moving me closer to my goal.
I am trudging victoriously through my circumstances, I invite you to do the same.
Monday, January 5, 2009
MRI Music
So, laying in the MRI this morning, I thought again how the rhythms and tones from the machine ought to somehow be plugged into some hardcore rock music...This time my MRI was done in the town where I live and there was no music headphones for me as I lay in the head-cage, so I tried to match music from my own repertoire to the tones and rhythms of the machine.
Songs that worked:
Barlow Girl- Superstar
Barlow Girl- Average Girl
...a couple of others that I don't remember right now, as well as one I composed as I lay there:
Laying in the MRI, driving me insane,
As the vibrations take pictures of my brain...
That is all, but it's a start:)
Talking to the Man Behind the Curtain--or the glass in this case, he said that really the MRI is like a giant radio station, and the head-cage like a super-charged antenna. He told me they don't really take pictures of our bodies, they listen and the sound of the vibrations they send in bouncing back make the picture...I knew that was true of sonograms, but MRI's as giant music machines never really occurred to me.
Anyway, mission successful, another MRI survived. And back to waiting...Next Neuro visit April 1st.
Songs that worked:
Barlow Girl- Superstar
Barlow Girl- Average Girl
...a couple of others that I don't remember right now, as well as one I composed as I lay there:
Laying in the MRI, driving me insane,
As the vibrations take pictures of my brain...
That is all, but it's a start:)
Talking to the Man Behind the Curtain--or the glass in this case, he said that really the MRI is like a giant radio station, and the head-cage like a super-charged antenna. He told me they don't really take pictures of our bodies, they listen and the sound of the vibrations they send in bouncing back make the picture...I knew that was true of sonograms, but MRI's as giant music machines never really occurred to me.
Anyway, mission successful, another MRI survived. And back to waiting...Next Neuro visit April 1st.
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