Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Confession

Reading a book compiled from the works of Oswald Chambers on Prayer, I am under conviction for my lack of vision, understanding, and focus. So often I pray wondering if I am worthy to approach the throne. Am I good enough, spiritual enough, immersed enough in the Holy Spirit to be heard by the sovereign of the universe?

Reminded by the very words of God that it is not my worthiness that determines his faithfulness, I lay on my face and repent of my conceit. How arrogant that I would consider myself as important enough that if I do not come spotless in my own right, that I might somehow tie the hands of God from answering prayer--something he has promised to do!

Do I, a mother, refuse to feed my children when they have misbehaved? Do I refuse to clothe them? Do I refuse to comfort them in their distress? Do I refuse to bandage the wound that is self-inflicted? No! If I, an imperfect mother, know how to give good gifts to my children, how much more will my father in heaven pour out his blessings on his children!

I must re-learn to approach God as a little child; to put my trust wholly in him, not on myself or my own merits, but only on what I know him to be. He is the almighty maker of heaven and earth, he can do anything. He is never changing, his love for me is a constant. He is always faithful to his promises, I cannot change his resolve. He is full of grace, mercy, holiness, integrity, love, faithfulness, and gentle determination to bring about his will in my life, my family, my church, my city, and my world. I can trust him. I must trust him.

Oh, God, break my reliance on myself and cause my heart to trust only in you. I repent of my conceit in thinking that my imperfection could stand in the way of your perfect plan! Thank you for Jesus my great High Priest who makes it possible for me to boldly approach your throne, as your child to climb on your knee and make known my heart's desires to you, to listen to your desires for me, and to be willing to allow your hand to transform me into the likeness of your Son. Let it be so-Amen.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Grief

I stood by today as they loaded the body of my good friend and Presiding Clerk into a white SUV.
It seemed unreal that the woman who had only three weeks ago sat and talked about regaining strength and coming back to church was gone. My heart hurts.

I hurt for her husband of almost 56 years. I hurt for her two children and her grandchildren. I hurt for my congregation who has lost an excellent member and leader. I hurt for myself and the loss of her laughter, her efficiency, and her kind and caring heart.

It is funny that this thing we never expect--and yet is guaranteed to each of us; death does not ask our permission to come. Like an unwelcome house guest it was present today: tolerated, sometimes ignored, but its presence unmistakably heavy. We did not want it to come. We did not invite it to come. We dreaded its arrival, but we waited for it all week knowing that our dread and lack of hospitality would not keep it away. And why should death be held at bay?

For us it is miserable, awful, terrible, but for Marge death was the beginning of a new day. It is the start of her eternity with her beloved savior. It means a place with no more tears, fears, suffering, no more dying or death. Marge is rejoicing, forever celebrating, starting today. She is free. She is free from a body that for the past few months has failed her time and again. She is free from all pain. She is free, finally free, to dance at the wedding feast of the lamb--and you better believe she is dancing!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Arrrggghh! Just for women, man-friends don't read this!

Ok, one last warning. Guy friends this post contains material about a visit to a gynecologist...Don't read it, you wouldn't understand anyway.

So, I had one of the most frustrating experiences at the doctor last week. Anyone who has read my blog knows that I am not a novice to seeing doctors, I have been in a doctor's office at least 12 times in the last year (including going with Rich to his appointments and the girls to their appointments). With that established, I was completely annoyed when I had a scheduled appointment with a gyno to follow up on an abnormal pap and waited an hour past my appointment time in the very-not-crowded waiting room.

I checked in for this scheduled appointment (9:30am) a little early, and received a clipboard for the usual new patient medical history stuff. It took a little while to fill that out, then I waited for there to be no one at the desk to check in to hand it back to the receptionist, who assured me that they would be right out to call me. When I sat down it was 9:45. "No big deal," I thought, a fifteen minute wait is pretty standard. Then I waited, the only magazines on the table are American Baby and Conception, I neither have a tiny baby nor am I trying to conceive, but I read a couple of articles anyway...

I am feeling nervous already for two reasons: 1. I don't particularly feel at ease around doctors especially ones I have not seen before (I have had some bad experiences in the past of not receiving good care and I am always afraid it will happen again); and 2. I am here to investigate a potentially serious health issue. As the clock ticks by, at least five cute pregnant women come in, check in, see the doctor and leave. I have to assume they were seeing another doctor in the practice, otherwise, I am now more angry than before! I see 10:00 come and go. I have run out of articles to read that don't make me more anxious about my medical issues and want to have more babies...

At 10:15, I resolve to go to the desk and ask if I need to reschedule. Suddenly there are three people waiting to check in. I wait for them to get through and now at 10:27, I go to the window, and ask **very annoyed** if I need to reschedule. The receptionist goes to "check" and hurries back to tell me they were "just coming to call me" and had been cleaning the procedure room...I guess that takes an hour...I was pretty hacked at this point, because it seemed awfully convenient that as soon as the receptionist goes back to check, they magically appear to take me back to the room.

So I am extremely annoyed. The nurse says nothing about the wait. The doctor says nothing about the wait. So, I bring it up, that I had waited for an hour past my appointment time. I would have expected to receive some kind of half-hearted apology or excuse, but instead what I got was a laundry list of all the big important things they do in the clinic, and the doctor in particular--delivering babies, surgery even made the list. "In fact," says the new dr. I will never see again, "I have a surgery coming up any time now" while looking at her watch. I told her I understand all of that, and if she had been delivering a baby, I would have understood that too, but I would have liked the option to reschedule. This was followed by another laundry list of importantisms and concluded by the dr. asking if I had time for her to treat me that day or not.

I suddenly fell victim to my inability to think in confrontational situations and said that yes, I had time. So she zooms through my test results--which I hadn't known before this only having been told that I had an abnormal pap, nothing more--"and you had an abnormal pap, so you are here to follow up, and I see you tested positive for HPV..." I am an information kind of girl, I like information, it makes me feel safe. Information like this coming when I am already overloaded emotionally and not expecting it, sends me into an emotional stuffing place I like to call "behind the wall."

Everything she said after that was a blur, think nod and smile. She tells me about going right ahead with a colposcopy, and possible biopsy with the results determining the course of my treatment...So here I am, emotionally stimied, suffering from information overload, and an uncompassionate dr. I went ahead with the colposcopy, she was very clinical and precisely told me step-bystep what she was doing, took two biopsies and was done. I received no aftercare instructions other than that if the bleeding was too heavy that I should call, and they would see what they could do to stop it. Oh, and my test results would come in the next two weeks sometimes.

The only time that I felt my doctor was remotely human was when post-procedure I asked about the nature of HPV and told her I had only had one sexual partner in the last 11 years, and only one other (if you can call it that) in the past. She sighed and said that they didn't know everything about HPV, that it was mysteriously showing up in her elderly patients who had been widowed for 30 years, and one virginal patient who broke down in tears because she had never had any sexual contact whatsoever. I think that was her way of telling me that I don't have to suspect my husband of infidelity, which would never have crossed my mind anyway...

My test results came back CIN-1 which basically means there were some changes in the cells they biopsied and these usually resolve themselves in 3-6 months. So I am not really worried, except that I need to schedule a follow-up pap in 6 months and need to start looking for a different doctor to do the follow-up with.

I feel like my health was not a priority--I had to read online what my test results meant, I had to read online what the aftercare is for cervical biopsy--no sex for a week, nothing in the vagina for a week. I feel like *me* as a person with a life outside of the doctor's office was completely disregarded. I felt brushed aside. I felt forgotton. I felt like the smallest courteous gesture would have been a simple apology for my wasted time, which I gladly would have accepted and moved on. I felt like since I brought up the wait, she did not show compassion at all about my health situation. HPV is serious, I have never had an abnormal pap before, it kind of freaked me out because I know it is a giant risk factor for cervical cancer. When the nurse called to give me my test results, I felt like she just spit them out at me and told me to follow up with a pap in 6 months. The whole experience was infuriating.

What makes it worse is that I know there are good doctors out there. My nuerologist for one, who on the same day I walked away traumatized by the lack of compassion and empathy from the gyno, called herself to tell me she had looked over my latest MRI films and that there were no changes and reassured me she still doesn't think what I have is MS. Or my family doctor, who while working late called last week to let us know that Kathrina's blood and urine tests came back normal and she probably was just having one of her fever episodes out of the blue. Both of these doctors have apologized for our having waited 20 minutes or less for valid reasons. Both have shown compassion and empathy, the willingness to listen and a concern for the person they are treating, not just the pathology.

So, grrr! And there is no one to complain to except the ether, so to anyone who actually read the whole thing, thanks for letting me vent. Don't worry about this aspect of my health, I am not worried. And if you live in the Emporia area and might be seeing a gynocologist and want to avoid this one, come ask me. (I won't libel someone in my blog.)

Monday, March 23, 2009

PMT Closing

My heart hurts and tears come as we said goodbye again yesterday at the PMT studio. Looking around, you wouldn't think much of the piles of costumes and boxes of props, but they are treasure to some. What is it about those dusty dance floors and sagging beams that pull so on my heart? Nothing particularly attractive about the space, but to me it is beautiful.

A place where I was challenged to grow. A place I was acknowledged for gifts I barely had courage to admit were there. A room where friendships were forged and threads of creativity were woven together to make something awesome.

I will miss that space, not for it's physical qualities, but because there I was free. I was free to express a part of my soul that now lays dormant. The part of myself that longs to stand before an audience and draw them into a story that is bigger than all of us. The me that desires not just applause, but the excellence in performance that pulls people to their feet.

That is why I mourn the loss of PMT. It was more than an organization. In some ways it was more than a family. In coming together, we created moments of connection that are soul-deep. I will grieve not an organization, but an organism that in its finest moments lived and moved as one.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Leveling off

So Rich's BP has been going back down, in fact yesterday it was 117/80-ish. It is nice, a mystery, but nice. Either his diuretic took over six weeks to kick in or his body is just normalizing on its own.

I have been feeling better--kind of. My neurological symptoms have been very low. That means that I can push a shopping cart and not have to use my elbows when I get to the parking lot because of the vibrations. They are still there, just at a livable (sometimes ignorable) level. My migraines are going in spurts now. I went for a while without one, then last week I had one every afternoon (7 days straight). This week, though, just one--I get happy about those kinds of things, crazy!

My sleeping has been irregular, and I will blame my increased migraines on that for the time being. The other alternative is that my current medication is losing it's effectiveness...which it can after about nine weeks, and I started this one the first week of January. But I refuse to consider that as a possibility yet.

At least the only other health concern we have had lately is a series of colds. It is nice to deal with ordinary sickness every once in a while. Refreshing really, in comparison with the other things we have been living with.

On a whole, I think we are leveling off. That is a good thing.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Diagnosis anyone?

"Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink..."
I feel that way this afternoon, only my chant is "symptoms, symptoms everywhere, but not a diagnosis in sight!"

Rich had a CT of his abdomen today to try again to figure out why his BP is still too high (this week ranging from 120's over 94 to 130's over 100). And drum roll please.....NOTHING!
It came back "normal" whatever that means. So, we are back to square one as far as diagnosis is concerned. I don't know. It is just too frustrating for words.

I don't think I could describe exactly how it feels to know that something is wrong and have no name to give it. Even the doctor knows there is something wrong, but simply has no answer as to what "it" is. People just don't go in for surgery with normal blood pressure, come out with outrageously high blood pressure and not have something other than essential high blood pressure! And if that were the only mystery diagnosis we had, it would be one thing, but we still don't have a definitive diagnosis for my health issues either...It is maddening! Grrr, that is all I can articulate regarding my innermost feelings on the matter.

Diagnoses (plural)? Anyone?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Trudging victoriously?

This morning I am pondering the possibility of trudging victoriously. It seems that the two words are complete opposites. Trudging implies a head-down, tired, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other movement just to make it through. Victorious gives a picture of a head-held-high, sword in the air, hoot-and-hollar stance at the top of the highest mountain. Do you see them? The one trudging, slogging through the muck and the mud, carrying a heavy load, just barely making progress. The one victorious standing tall and strong. The question in my mind this morning is, "Is it possible to be victorious even when trudging through the day?"

I don't know the answer to that question. I think of my life right now, tired, not sleeping well, hands shaking as I type--is it possible for me to be victorious while trudging along through my physical difficulties? Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I am trudging in my heart, just my body. In my heart I feel victorious just making it through another day, sometimes just accomplishing one task raises the victory flag in my heart. So my question is more than philosophic. I am asking the question, "Is my life a paradox or a lie?"

It would seem from the definitions, that it is impossible to be a trudging victor, that would make my life a lie. From the picture of the trudging one, it seems that they do not feel victorious, but who really knows? It would seem from the picture of the victorious one that they are strong and have never faced defeat, but who can see all that is contained within them?

Perhaps the trudger is merely one on his path to victory. Can a person be victorious not having faced a furious foe? To me, my body's rebellion against what I want it to be is my foe. I fight it every day and so far I count myself a victor. But my foe is there all the time. The battle never seems to fade, and so many times I appear to myself as one who is trudging. But as the trudger, each step brings victory, moving me closer to my goal.

I am trudging victoriously through my circumstances, I invite you to do the same.

Monday, January 5, 2009

MRI Music

So, laying in the MRI this morning, I thought again how the rhythms and tones from the machine ought to somehow be plugged into some hardcore rock music...This time my MRI was done in the town where I live and there was no music headphones for me as I lay in the head-cage, so I tried to match music from my own repertoire to the tones and rhythms of the machine.

Songs that worked:
Barlow Girl- Superstar
Barlow Girl- Average Girl

...a couple of others that I don't remember right now, as well as one I composed as I lay there:

Laying in the MRI, driving me insane,
As the vibrations take pictures of my brain...

That is all, but it's a start:)

Talking to the Man Behind the Curtain--or the glass in this case, he said that really the MRI is like a giant radio station, and the head-cage like a super-charged antenna. He told me they don't really take pictures of our bodies, they listen and the sound of the vibrations they send in bouncing back make the picture...I knew that was true of sonograms, but MRI's as giant music machines never really occurred to me.

Anyway, mission successful, another MRI survived. And back to waiting...Next Neuro visit April 1st.