Crazy

"Hey, Jane get me off this crazy thing!"

That is how I feel about the health roller coaster we've been on.
The tests for Rich's high blood pressure keep coming back negative or normal. So we still have no answers for why his blood pressure would be up so high overnight. It is still ranging from 128/88 to 146/99. I know that high BP can start any time, but it seems a little ridiculous to me that it would be normal, with his having lost 27 pounds in 14 months, walking and exercising regularly, eating a low fat diet, and then go in for surgery and his BP skyrockets. That does not seem like primary high blood pressure. I think when he sees the internal medicine doc on Jan. 9th we'll ask for a referral to a blood pressure specialist to confirm.

Meanwhile, I see the Neurologist again on Dec. 31st. I am weaning myself off of the meds I have been taking because they don't seem to be helping. My tremor is worse, more frequent. My neuropathy is unchanged. My headaches may be a little fewer, but the meds make me car sick and unable to think, so I think I would rather have the headaches. I think the next thing is a sleep study in January. I may also ask for a hormone panel and a vitamin panel to check those levels and make sure that those are where they need to be.

I have been trying to exercise on a more consistant basis. Mall walking if I have to in order to keep pounds from jumping on and sticking...I have done well to avoid the biggest side-effect of my current meds wich is weight gain. I have been slipping though, with the cold and not being able to get outside as much it is more difficult to exercise and resist the holiday food accumulating in my house!

I feel like we have reached a sustained level of crazy. It may not be where we want, but it is far from the disaster it could be.

The Results...

We are waiting for results from some tests last week.
The gallbladder came out fine, but when they started the anesthetic, Rich's blood pressure went way up. All during surgery and in post-op and in recovery, they fought with his blood pressure. After it finally came down, it stayed down while he was in the hospital overnight, but by Monday it was up again. We tracked it for a week with the high at 156/105 and the low at 128/88.

So the internal medicine Dr. who was treating him in the hospital decided to order tests to determine if he had tumors on his adrenal glands. These are rare, very rare, but the symptoms present as a classic case. Even if they are present 95% of them are benign, so there isn't too much to worry about statistically...But that doesn't keep me from worrying.

Worrying and waiting for his test results. Trying desperately to keep up with what needs to be done even though I am already exhausted and the day has just begun. But I take comfort in the verse I read this morning Psalm 105:4 "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always."
So I am trying not to worry, trying to seek the Lord and his strength so that I can make it through another time of waiting.

Surgery

So, Thursday is the "big day" for a gallbladder-ectomy...The patient is at the hospital learning how to be a good patient and get the pre-op labs out of the way. But alas there will be no video of the procedure joining our laparoscopy library. The appendectomy will have to go it alone.

We'll be checking into the hospital at 7:00 am on Thursday, so those inclined to pray can start your prayer-engines then. We aren't sure when the actual surgery is going to take place, so that is all I can say for now as far as specifics go.

During the surgery, I plan to write more on my nano novel...giving a main character a dread disease. (Sorry Ames no specifics, but I will email you when I get to 30,000 words so you can get caught up.)

Until then, more waiting, only this time with at least a limited list of what to expect.
Stay tuned, I will keep you posted as to the results.

Waiting...

So, we are waiting. Waiting for the next visit with the surgeon about a cantankerous gallbladder. Waiting to see if medicine for seizures will work for migraines and unidentified neuropathies. Waiting for the next big thing to happen. Waiting for the shoe to drop. We are waiting...

What to do while we wait...

We could panic. We could worry. We could distract ourselves with re-run episodes of our favorite tv shows on their network websites. We could write a novel in one month. We could pray. We could think about alternative solutions to problems that have not arisen yet. We have done all of these things, and yet we still wait.

What to do when you run out of things to do while you wait...

Write a blog entry about waiting and wait some more.

Gummy Bears

So, my two daughters have been watching episodes of the Gummy Bears on youtube. They love the show, and it gives us little breaks to do what needs doing around the house. Anyway, the other day I caught myself singing the lyrics to the theme song:
"Gummy Bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere..."
And then in the middle of the song:
"Their legend is growing,
They take pride in knowing,
They'll fight for what's right,
In whatever they do."
And the thought struck me, wouldn't it be nice if this was still the message sent to kids today.

No, I am not one of those "Oh, things used to be much better and now it's all downhill" kind of people. I also just watched "Top Secret" (rated PG!) and I have no illusions about pop culture past. BUT I do think that when I was a kid, the heroes in kids shows and cartoons typically had the same goal as the Gummy Bears, to fight for what's right in whatever they do. In several episodes of Gummy Bears, they are required to make a choice between doing what is right and doing what is best for their group alone. I don't watch much kid tv today, so this is not a commentary on today's kid's programming.

What is the point, then, you ask...

My point is this, how many of US have that goal? How many grown ups have in their heart to fight for what is right in whatever they do? I don't mean the self-justifying what is right for me is the ultimate good kind of "right." I mean the what is good for people in general, or good for those around me kind of "right." I believe this is what Jesus commanded us to strive for when he said that the two greatest commandments were loving God and loving those around us.

Loving God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength is what helps us see that sometimes what is good for me is not "right" in the greater sense. In a "what is best for me" kind of ethic: lying, cheating, stealing, witholding help from others when it is inconvenient for me to give it is all right and good. God in revealing his holiness to us convinces our hearts that those things are not right.

That revelation gives us the ability to love our neighbor as ourselves. That is how we can really "fight for what is right in whatever we do."

Ranting

So, here is my rant of late:
"Stop it, stop it, stop it! Christians stop sitting in judgment over the world, and start running into enemy territory to save the lost!"

I have been so tired of people saying "you have to vote for _____ or it's the end of the world!" It has come from both liberals and conservatives, so don't think I am only peeved at one group.

Each has their list of "worst sins ever," but they are usually not the ones that Jesus condemned most often. For conservatives it is homosexuality and other sexual sins. Jesus never addressed homosexuality specifically and other sexual sins only briefly. He stopped a woman caught in adultery from being stoned, and allowed a woman of ill repute to wash his feet. Why not treat sexual sinners the same today?

For liberals it is restricting the political freedom of minority groups, equal treatment under the law for every person. In Jesus day, there were several classes of people from Roman citizens--the elite--to slaves who were expendable at their master's whim. Jesus never lobbied the Roman Senate for slaves rights, although he did come to break chains. But those chains were the links of slavery to sin's oppression.

The fact of the matter is this, Jesus said "Go and make disciples." He did not say "go find a nice spot with a view, sweep it clean of sinners and be comfortable ignoring the world as it goes to hell around you."

Our job as Christians is not to make the world safe and comfortable, it is to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with others so that God can reform their lives just as he has reformed ours.

Fears

In this process of pursuing a diagnosis, both for myself and now for my dear husband, I have come to realize just how many fears I indulge. I was trying to nap today and thought, "Oh, no, what if he goes in for his nuclear scan and there are complications, and I loose him." I almost cried. It is silly, really, because any moment any one of us could experience complications brought on by life and pass from this world into the next...But it doesn't stop the fears.

I have feared: losing the ability to care for my family and myself; losing my life; losing my husband; losing my children; losing my mind. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around any of those losses. I minister full-time. If I lost the ability to care for myself, I could not work. If I did not work, my husband would have to find full-time employment. We would lose the house in which we live (a parsonage); we would lose our church home. We would have to come up with child care and care for me. It is terrifying to think of all that change coming at once. And there is the key.

My biggest, over-arching fear is that of the unknown. I fear new places, new people, new formats for life. When I go to a meeting in an unfamiliar place, I find out where my meeting will be held, what the expected etiquette is, who will be there (so I know I am not alone). I fear the unknown--and that is precisely what I am facing: a whole lot of unknown...

I don't know what is going on with my body, I don't know what the long-term ramifications will be of the neuropathies I experience. Will they get worse, will I lose normal feeling in my hands and feet? Will I continue to live everyday with a headache? These are questions that have no answer. I cannot prepare for what is to come, and my only recourse is to trust in the One who knows my every tomorrow--that He will provide strength for my journey.

I won't say that this is an easy thing to do. It is hard for me, and I am a full-time (paid) minister of the Gospel. Some days I don't want to trust. Some days I give in to the temptation to paint the "worst case scenario" on the canvas of my mind. But on those days I find myself being drawn out of my self-seclusion as the wisest part of me--my spirit--cries out to God without my conscious thought.

Odds

I wonder today what the odds are of having a family of four with so many health issues. My dear one may have to have his gall bladder out this week or next, my little love has a chronic fever disorder, and here I am with my befuddled doctors and legion of symptoms.

A friend commented today that for a young family, we have a lot of health problems...I know it was simply an observation, but sometimes stating the obvious to people who are struggling is not helpful.

All things being random (or not as one sees the universe) it would make sense for pockets of health problems to pop up here and there, while other sections of the population would have none. Or one could see it as an issue of the spiritual breaking into the physical...Either unrepented sin coming back to haunt us, or the other side spiritual warfare erupting as a result of being one of God's warriors on earth. Or I suppose there would be the third option of circumstances divinely sent to try the servant and make him or her stronger...

I don't know what the answer is. I don't believe we are unrepentant sinners. I don't know that we are necessarily so great of warriors as to merit special attack by the forces of evil. I don't know that God sends us trials and temptations--although he certainly uses them to make us stronger, of that I have personal testimony.

So, I don't know what the odds are; if we are a statistical aberration, or if we fit the pattern. But if what I believe is true, odds are that from these trials will come growth if we choose to face them with grace and long-suffering (patience).

contradictions

I have been doing all kinds of things lately that make me wonder if something isn't better with my body, (although I don't feel any better...) like canning apple butter and applesauce, baking banana bread, etc.

I don't know if this is because I actually have more energy, or if I am just excited about Fall.

I still wake up every morning and pray for the strength and desire to get out of bed. And so far, with every prayer for God to get me out of bed, my feet have hit the floor. My body still hurts, recently adding new and different ways of hurting. My brain is still fuzzy, sometimes to the point that I can't concentrate enough to work or study. Sometimes I worry that I won't get my sermon written, or material read and prepared for Sunday School or my Tuesday night Bible study. I worry about not visiting people who need it, or forgetting to do something important--even if I've written it down.

So, I don't feel like I am getting better, but I have done all kinds of things requiring all kinds of energy! I don't know how to unravel these contradictions. Perhaps it is simply the change of seasons, or maybe something bigger like God's grace giving me strength to do things that bring me joy and give me opportunity to work and play with my husband as we store up something yummy to feed our family.

tangled angles

I wanted to start blogging about my thoughts and feelings; my perspective on the world. It occurred to me that we all see the world from different angles. They are shaped by our lives, our circumstances, and our personalities. I feel like my life has been all tangled up for the last year in dealing with my physical condition.

I have seen 3 doctors (my PCP and 2 neuros) in the past year trying to figure out what is going on in my body. I have endured blood tests, EMG's, 2-MRI's, a lumbar puncture, Evoked Potentials Testing, more blood tests, and various prescription meds. With all this, there are few answers.

I have an official diagnosis in my file as "Possible M.S." but my current neurologist thinks this is a mistake. Both neuros are sure that I have migraine, and that somehow it is linked to my other symptoms. My new neuro thinks maybe I have some symptoms of fibromyalgia, but not enough to make a positive diagnosis. I don't know what to think.

I live everyday with a headache, sometimes mild, sometimes severe. I am tired, and I don't sleep well. I have tingling/burning/crawling sensations in my hands; sometimes my arms; sometimes my legs and feet. I have intermittent super-sensitivity to touch and vibration: sleeves brushing my arms are painful, pushing a shopping cart across the parking lot can be overwhelming. Sometimes I think my fine motor skills are affected, as I have to concentrate hard to braid my daughter's hair or get my fingers in rhythm to knit or crochet.

All of my symptoms are livable--on their own. Together they can present an impenetrable force that keeps me from my family, my work, my ministry and the world. Light touches from my husband and sudden snuggles from my girls should be enjoyable, but bring pain instead. When they all work together I have difficulty coping with my responsibilities as a mother, a wife, and my everyday tasks are too much. I struggle on those days to keep an even keel emotionally as I fight back anger and annoyance at my body--trying to keep it from spilling over onto my family.

All this chaos has stolen a year of my life, tying up all my perspectives until I feel I am left with nothing but tangled angles.